Mental health?

I told my boyfriend I was depressed.

The truth is, I don’t know what I am. But I know at this moment I’m not happy.

I’ve gone through periods like this before; sad one day, just fine the next. My emotions can change in an instant. 

What am I?

Either way, Jakob took it well. His answer sounded rehearsed.

“If you really think you are, we should find someone for you to talk to,” he said.

“I am right now,” I sighed, nodding at him.

“I know, but maybe you could talk to someone professional.” 

“Morty’s not taking new clients.”

“What?”

“Morty is not taking on any new clients,” I deadpanned. 

For those of you who may not be aware, Morty is our cat. The only thing she’s qualified to give advice on is scratching furniture and being cute enough that she can exist rent free, belly full and have people who literally shovel her shit. 

Once Jakob realized what I was getting at, he played along.

“Morty, you listen here,” he said, sternly. “If you don’t fire your clients, I’m going to evict you.”

At the sound of his voice, Morty laid down without even a “meow” as a rebuttal.

“I mean it, you’re going to get evicted!”

With that she started licking her toes, so he turned back to me.

“But really, we should get you the help you deserve.”

Then I cried because that’s scary. 

It’s scary to admit you need help, even if I kind of already did so in a joking manner. It’s scary to have to go out of your way to try something new. Something that’s not necessarily fun and exciting, but something that might just be absolutely necessary. 

I’m now almost a week removed from this conversation. Reading what I documented transports me right back to that vulnerable moment of admittance.

I feel embarrassed and a bit shameful now. Now that I'm in a more positive headspace and feel guilty about feeling sad over what felt like nothing. Because truly I couldn’t, and still can’t, put a finger on exactly what was making me feel the way I did.

Just thinking about it makes me want to cry all over again.

I’m sharing this conversation because I don’t think this sort of thing is talked about enough. Which is crazy, because mental health is spotlit now more than ever, even just three years ago. But with the continued dominance of social media and curated, “perfect” lifestyle content, I think things still get muddled. 

I wish we could further normalize mental health and mood swings. I wish it were easier to admit to having them. I wish access to care was more affordable and accessible. I wish a lot of things. 

For now, I wish you a good day.

I wish you strength when you feel weak, and courage for the times you need it most. I also wish you a dependable confidant. I know personally it’s a huge help to have someone to support you while you take your next step.